How to Know If You Lack Boundaries and 9 Effective Ways To Create Them
Are you someone who takes the actions of others personally?
Boundaries are not always noticeable, so when they've been breached, it can leave you feeling confused and angry.
Establishing what you are okay with and what you will not tolerate can happen unintentionally.
But for a lot of us it takes time and practice to live mindfully and stop people pleasing.
Soon you'll be able to identify warning signs and discover a few tips to assist you with combating old habits.
What to look for
Helping others leaves a bad taste in your mouth
It's easy to say that you don't want to do something and still do it. It's an obedient cycle that began in childhood and proceeded into adulthood
It started with doing homework in elementary school and became reinforced when we got our first job.
We constantly do things for other people to the point where it feels unnatural to say no.
This especially becomes the case when you're good at something. Now your friends are asking you to take on task you normally wouldn't, your family wants you to cook, and you hear everyone else vent, but no one stops to ask how you're feeling.
Bitter, angry, passive aggressive, disappointed, tired, and lacking patience is how most people feel after engaging in an activity, that they desperately wanted to avoid.
People in your life get upset when you tell them no
A lot of the times those who have access to you will see what you have to offer.
Maybe you talk about a skill or they have witnessed it. This can result in a sense of entitlement and [sometimes unintentional] exploitation.
When you turn down their offer they may begin to lash out verbally or even commit aggressive acts such as slamming cabinet doors. Some may even resort to silent treatment in an effort to make you feel bad.
YOU get upset when someone says no
Without an understanding that no one in this world owes you anything, disappointment and frustration comes easy. We like to think that we have earned the right to our partners body, our friends company and for the world to align in our favor
The water becomes murky when you forget that you are dealing with circumstances outside of your control.
It bothers you when someone doesn't follow your advice
Advice is simply a suggestion.
When someone doesn’t follow your instructions and it negatively affects them are you quick to hurdle an I told you so? Are you deeply burdened by their problems and allowing it to affect your health, sleeping patterns and mood?
Being unable to see that change won't happen until they're ready can cause you stress.
It can also prompt you to act out of the ordinary. Alluding that you are qualified to be someones doctor, lawyer, or therapist because you believe you're right.
You begin to question why people are friends with you
After all of the hard work is done, you wonder whether the people in your life would be there if you didn't always assist.
This can leave you feeling empty, alone, confused, and even ashamed for having those thoughts.
Questioning who you are and who you would be if you sat in the background more often, is a clear sign that you may be tired of your routine and afraid to deviate paths.
The goal is to feel comfortable and know that the people around you enjoy your presence even when the focus is on you. If the conversation shifts to your wants and needs, they don't turn away, instead they lend an ear.
But now that you can recognize the warning signs let us learn how to adapt healthy behaviors.
Exercise your right to a good day.
Wake up earlier. Allow yourself time to gather your thoughts, get your mind, body, and soul together before you begin class, start your shift, or interact with the world.
This way you start your day doing something for you and no matter what happens after, you started it off right.
Make time for yourself
Learning about yourself, getting comfortable in your skin, or even discovering how to be alone can make life easier.
You will be less tempted to spend money on group plans you don’t want to do once you learn to hang out with yourself.
Do more things that make you happy
Responsibilities will not vanish. But you can make time for the things you love without burning yourself out.
Enjoy reading? Read a chapter before bed, its a manageable goal that won't take your entire night.
Create a support system
Friend One "Hey, girl I'm staying in today to relax"
Friend Two "You are?? Me too!"
Knowing that there are people around you who understand the importance of self care is essential. You can not be the best version of yourself if you're exhausted all of the time.
Create confidence and let go expectations
Impress yourself first so no matter the commentary you receive, you are still able to continue with your day.
“ I did this because [Fill in the blank] “
“I said no because it would cause me stress”
“My feelings are justified”
Stand tall in your decisions. Identifying why you are doing it is just as important as doing it. We seek validation when we aren't 100% sure about our choices.
There's no room for miscommunication, take a breath, you can do this.
This can save you a lot of stress and heart ache. It may feel strange and foreign at first BUT it feels amazing knowing that you chose yourself. Future you will thank you.
Acknowledge your feelings
What you feel is justified. Every icky, uncomfortable, relieving, confusing emotion that you feel is valid.
Show yourself some kindness. This journey is not cookie cutter.
It will have bumps and ridges but it will be perfect because it is yours. Treat yourself the way you would a friend.
Make tiny goals
Declare you want to save $25 this week. And once you do it upgrade to $50.
It's the little things that build confidence and inspire the bigger ones.
Your friends should never take advantage of you and your house should be a place a of peace. 2020 forced us to change our eating and spending habits, routines, and redefined what safety meant.
These boundaries can be grasped with two hands and worked on. You can have a beautiful life with less stress and negativity because you, my friend have earned it.
If you found any of these tips helpful, like and share with your friends! Join our mailing list and stay up to date with all there is to know about getting your money and mind right.